1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,710 [ Horn honks ] 4 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:23,849 ♪♪ 5 00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:34,077 ♪♪ 6 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:43,826 ♪♪ 7 00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:52,443 ♪♪ 8 00:00:52,443 --> 00:01:02,671 ♪♪ 9 00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:09,504 ♪♪ 10 00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:11,462 Do you want to get out of here? 11 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,811 Check! 12 00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:23,126 ♪♪ 13 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:29,654 ♪♪ 14 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:36,183 ♪♪ 15 00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,882 [ Cheers and applause ] 16 00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:46,193 Thank you! 17 00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,411 Thank you so much. 18 00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,546 You guys... 19 00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:55,637 Wow. 20 00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,160 I hope you guys are ready to have the best night. 21 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,683 This is... We're making history. 22 00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,381 This is gonna, I hope, be one of the best nights 23 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,818 of our whole lives, honestly. 24 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:05,168 I am so proud that he agreed to let me produce 25 00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:06,691 his special and be involved. 26 00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:08,606 He's one of my favorite all-time comedians. 27 00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:12,262 Give it up for Mr. Sam Morril! 28 00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:13,437 [ Cheers and applause ] 29 00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:21,010 ♪♪ 30 00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:28,583 ♪♪ 31 00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:31,238 Ahh. 32 00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:33,283 Wow. 33 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:36,243 Uh, I deserve that. You're right. 34 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,769 This is a weird time to be a comedian. 35 00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:43,206 I don't know if you've been following entertainment, 36 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:47,428 but it is a bad time to be a predator. 37 00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:49,604 Has anyone been paying attention to that? 38 00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,258 We're losing, like, three actors a day. 39 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,216 I feel like I'm gonna see 40 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,783 the new "Avengers" movie next, and you're like, 41 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,959 "Why is everyone being played by Paul Giamatti?" 42 00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,659 They're like, "He's the only one left." 43 00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:06,055 It feels like a dark time. 44 00:03:06,055 --> 00:03:07,926 I saw a baby in the coffee shop the other day. 45 00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:12,583 He was wearing a T-shirt that said, "I love life." 46 00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,542 I was like, "You'll grow out of it." 47 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,896 It gets shittier. 48 00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:23,290 I like babies, but you know what's better than a baby 49 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:28,033 by a little, is not having a fucking baby... 50 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,340 by this much. 51 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,212 I get drunk a lot. 52 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,909 I sleep in. 53 00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:36,564 I confidently walk back to overheated cars. 54 00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,396 It's a good life. 55 00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:43,745 My sister calls her baby a miracle, 56 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:48,228 and I play along, but it's a bit much. 57 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,925 Miracle? 58 00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:51,013 We never call adults miracles. 59 00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:52,493 We're doing way cooler shit. 60 00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:55,278 There are no babies that can dunk. 61 00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:59,195 Just have a baby. We're like, "It's a miracle." 62 00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:01,502 Then it grows up, and we're like, "Never mind." 63 00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:08,378 Two people fucked. It's not miraculous. 64 00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,511 Winning the lottery, that's a miracle. 65 00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:12,643 You'd never win the Mega Millions jackpot and be like, 66 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,254 "Should we keep it?" 67 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:19,215 Mm-hmm. Right. 68 00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,567 My niece is always crying. 69 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,395 I'm trying to make her laugh, and my sister is like, 70 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,310 "You got to let her cry because she's at that age now that, 71 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,225 if you interrupt, she becomes dependent," 72 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:31,445 so that's strange that we do that to babies. 73 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,795 You can't even do that to adults. 74 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,318 If you came to my apartment, 75 00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:36,841 and my girlfriend was hysterically crying, 76 00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,800 I can't be like, "It's cool. I'm training her." 77 00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:43,457 "We're gonna nip this in the bud early on 78 00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:48,113 because I don't like her feelings." 79 00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:52,030 She just got a vibrator, my girlfriend, not my baby niece. 80 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:57,862 She got a vibrator, and I got an Xbox, so it is over. 81 00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,737 I'm playing NBA2K. 82 00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,869 She's playing with herself, but, either way, 83 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654 we're both thinking about LeBron. 84 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,488 You women are amazing, though, you know? 85 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:16,446 You know why? 86 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,405 Because you can fake an orgasm, but you can't fake a good mood. 87 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,845 I mean, that's... 88 00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,806 You can tell me I'm the best you've ever had, 89 00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:31,069 but you can't muster up one smile at a family picnic? 90 00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:36,466 I mean, where are those "Oh, my Gods" when I need them? 91 00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:40,688 My ex was cool. 92 00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:42,167 Every time we'd have sex, she'd say, "You made me cum," 93 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,953 which I, you know, thought was flattering. 94 00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:46,911 I'm not doing that much. 95 00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,783 We'd be having sex. 96 00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,350 She'd be like, "I'm about to cum," and I'd be like, "Cool." 97 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,702 Then she'd be like, "Stay completely still," 98 00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:58,880 and I'd be like, "All right." 99 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,838 Then she'd be like, "You just made me cum," 100 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:04,668 and I'd be like, "Are you sure?" 101 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:07,367 I feel like I played dead with an erection. 102 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,501 That's why I ask if I made you cum, made you cum. 103 00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:13,068 I thought I went to the barbershop, and I'm like, 104 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,244 "Can you hold the buzzer completely still?" 105 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:26,603 "You're the best I've ever had. 106 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,084 Also, you just made me cum, so..." 107 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,218 Here's a barber tip. 108 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,264 Whatever barber you go to, 109 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,571 that is, whatever music they're playing, 110 00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:40,791 that's the haircut you're gonna get. 111 00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:43,315 Armenian hip-hop. 112 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:50,540 This is a weird area to do my special 113 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:51,715 because this is, like, I'm seeing, like, 114 00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:54,457 the hipster dads in this area, 115 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:58,809 you know, like, the skinny-jean- wearing disciplinarian. 116 00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:00,724 I saw a dad, and he was yelling at his son. 117 00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:03,727 He was like, "Simon," and I turned around 118 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:07,209 because it's a stupid fucking name. 119 00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:10,299 He's like, "Simon, if you keep this up, 120 00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:14,172 you're not gonna get any more smoothie." 121 00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,566 That's the punishment now, apparently. 122 00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:18,176 I thought we used to beat the shit out of kids, 123 00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:22,964 but, apparently, Mango Madness is where we're at, so... 124 00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,879 And me and my friend just laughed in his face, 125 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,707 and he turned to us. 126 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,578 He goes, "Why don't you two mind your own fucking business?" 127 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:30,624 I was like, "Or what? We're not gonna get any more smoothie?" 128 00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:37,848 I'll fight you, dude, but, if I win, I'm taking that smoothie, 129 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,720 and I'm gonna drink it in front of Simon. 130 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,335 I feel bad for these kids. 131 00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,641 We tell kids they could be whatever they want, 132 00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,338 and then we don't give them the odds, 133 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:54,256 which, you know, if I have a kid, I'm gonna be honest. 134 00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,432 If he's like, "Daddy, can I play in the NBA?" 135 00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:59,696 I'm gonna be, like, "Statistically, it's possible, 136 00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,393 but let's take a look at this chart." 137 00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:06,660 "I've taken the liberty of factoring in your size and race. 138 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:09,097 It doesn't look good. 139 00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:13,493 You're a tiny Jew. That's why we named you TJ." 140 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,675 I'm a Jew. 141 00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:23,807 I'm a New York Jew. 142 00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,505 I complain a lot. 143 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,898 I'm in therapy. 144 00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:30,118 I'm the type of Jew that, if you don't like Jewish people, 145 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:35,253 I'm not the one that's gonna turn things around for you. 146 00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,385 You're gonna meet me and be like, 147 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,867 "Still a big thumbs down, nah." 148 00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:45,307 I read about anti-Semitism, but I've never experienced 149 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,048 the anti-Semitism I've read about. 150 00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,615 I've lived in New York my whole life. 151 00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:51,052 This is the worst anti-Semitic moment I ever had. 152 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:53,315 I was doing a road gig in Colorado, 153 00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:56,274 and I pulled over to get a seltzer water at a gas station. 154 00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,711 I asked this woman. 155 00:08:57,711 --> 00:08:59,016 I was like, "Do you have any seltzer?" 156 00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:01,802 And she goes, "We don't carry seltzer," 157 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,282 and that's as bad as it's been. But... 158 00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:13,291 Her tone was hurtful, and I've lived here so long that I... 159 00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:15,903 It's just any time I hear anti-Semitism at all, 160 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:20,821 I'm like, "Us? I thought everyone loved us." 161 00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,474 Even when Charlottesville happened, they were like, 162 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:24,389 "The Jews will not replace us." 163 00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:28,045 I was like, "We're not." 164 00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,873 I don't know if you know any Jewish people. 165 00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:33,137 None of us are gunning to be a gas-station attendant, so... 166 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:39,709 Mm. 167 00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,319 You should be worried about robots. 168 00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:44,888 You know, they're the ones taking the shitty jobs. 169 00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,194 You'll never hear this -- 170 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,065 "I lost my job at the gas station." 171 00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:50,459 "What happened?" "Josh Rabinowitz." 172 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:56,421 They're taking our jobs. 173 00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:02,514 Racism, it must be a learned behavior, right, 174 00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:05,169 because you never meet, like, a racist baby, 175 00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:08,216 though I would love to, 176 00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:12,350 just a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny racist. 177 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:13,830 "What were his first words?" 178 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:17,747 "We'd rather not say, and, for the record, 179 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:21,708 they were taken out of context, okay?" 180 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,100 Babies look racist, though, right? 181 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,015 They're skinheads. They're not educated. 182 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,934 They're cranky, and they don't have any teeth, so... 183 00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:36,548 I was watching this documentary on the KKK. 184 00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,159 They all support Jesus. 185 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,378 Did you know that? I didn't know that. 186 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:42,206 A dark-skinned Jew, that's who they went with. 187 00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:46,123 It seems like an odd choice. 188 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,472 It almost feels like someone in the Klan 189 00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,561 is just fucking with them. You know? 190 00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:50,998 It's like, "You know who else is cool? 191 00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:52,956 Lenny Kravitz." 192 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:58,353 "Those are our people." 193 00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,920 My friend is a Christian. 194 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,617 He wears the cross everywhere, which I get it, 195 00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:04,968 but it is a strange memory to think about all the time. 196 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,275 It's not a happy memory. 197 00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,451 I know that's your guy, but he's seen better days. 198 00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:13,368 That's like if I walked around everywhere 199 00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:15,413 in a Michael Jordan Wizards jersey. 200 00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:23,378 "I guess, but he was better before that. 201 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,597 You don't remember?" 202 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:27,512 "I choose to remember him suffering." 203 00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:34,824 I'm in therapy, obviously, 204 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:39,481 and I see a therapist who sees a few other comedians. 205 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:42,005 I know comics who go to the same therapist as me. 206 00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,354 I was in the waiting room the other day, 207 00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,095 and I actually heard my therapist laugh 208 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,923 through the door, 209 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:49,839 and I was like, "Ugh. I got to bring it again this week." 210 00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:54,452 "I've been playing the hits nonstop 211 00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,934 for this dude, you know?" 212 00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,023 I was complaining about a relationship I was in, 213 00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:03,331 and he said, "Yes. You tend to pursue damaged people 214 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,464 and then try to help them," and I was like, "You, too." 215 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,516 We both do that, unfortunately, you know? 216 00:12:14,516 --> 00:12:15,822 I'm not good at relationships. 217 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,127 They're so hard, you know? 218 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,826 Every woman I date tries to change me. 219 00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:22,959 You know that Billy Joel song, I love you "Just the Way You Are"? 220 00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:26,789 A woman would never write a song like that. 221 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,617 If Billy Joel were a woman, that song would be called, 222 00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:33,230 "You Are My Project, 223 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:36,320 and We'll See Where This Goes." 224 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,800 Stop trying to change me. 225 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,758 She's like, "I'm not trying to change you. 226 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,672 I'm trying to improve you." 227 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,065 You know what having a girlfriend feels like to me? 228 00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:43,501 You know that thing in your iPhone 229 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,416 that's always asking if you want an update? 230 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:50,639 That's what it feels like the entire time, 231 00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,380 just constant, "Hey. Do you want to get better?" 232 00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,730 All day, I'm like, "Remind me later." 233 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:06,220 I'm happy with my current operating system, so... 234 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,222 They made it harder. I think, like, the dating websites 235 00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,876 made it harder for how we, 236 00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,442 you know, communicate because, even on first dates now, 237 00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:12,792 it's like, "What kind of music do you like?" 238 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,663 but it doesn't really matter. 239 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,012 Right? You can coexist with someone 240 00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,014 that has different musical tastes. 241 00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:19,711 This is my new first-date question. 242 00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,583 This is what I ask on every first date -- 243 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,673 "How likely are you to yell at me in public?" 244 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,245 That one is going to come in handy. 245 00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,073 You don't want to be in that relationship. 246 00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:34,552 Eight months in, you're getting screamed at 247 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:36,380 in front of strangers. 248 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,078 You're like, "It's cool. We both like Chance the Rapper, so..." 249 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:48,392 I had another breakup, and she broke up with me 250 00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:49,959 and then asked me to take her back, 251 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:53,310 and then, curveball, broke up with me again. 252 00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:57,749 That kind of feels like you're in a plane that's going down, 253 00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,664 and then, somehow, you land safely, 254 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:02,363 and then you die in the cab ride home. 255 00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:07,237 You're dead in the end. 256 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,154 And then she texts every day, "I miss you," and I'd be like, 257 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:12,460 "Well that is part of the breakup. 258 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:15,332 We're not gonna hang out as often." 259 00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,594 I didn't know I had to explain that part. 260 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,987 I thought that was self-explanatory, 261 00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:20,772 but thank God jobs don't work that way. 262 00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,426 Can you imagine getting fired? 263 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,907 Then, 2 weeks later, your boss is like, "I'm sad." 264 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:34,612 "Mm. I'm glad you're sad. I hope your whole company collapses." 265 00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,835 You know what a good thing about a breakup is you really learn 266 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,403 to truly appreciate rap lyrics. I didn't used to get it. 267 00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,535 You know, and back in the day, I'd hear it. 268 00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:45,928 I'd be like, "You know what? 269 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,669 That's a bit of a generalization," 270 00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,105 but then you get dumped. 271 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:50,367 You're like, "It's true. These hos are not loyal. 272 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:53,153 I know." 273 00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:54,850 I went to the gym today. 274 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,721 I was listening to the Jay-Z album, the newer one, 275 00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:58,723 and I listen to rap the way it was meant to be listened to, 276 00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:00,595 by a pale Jew on an elliptical. 277 00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:04,773 I like that album, that new one 278 00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:06,514 where he talks about saving money. 279 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:09,430 There's a whole track about investing money. 280 00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:10,735 That's, like, the whole song. 281 00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:13,303 He's like, "This is where I save." 282 00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:18,961 Rappers are living longer now, so, you know, 283 00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,703 you didn't hear songs like that 15 years ago, right? 284 00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:24,401 Back in the day, he was like, "Big pimping, spending G's." 285 00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,795 Now he's like, "You got to make your money work for you." 286 00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:35,325 "Are you motherfuckers familiar with long-term growth? 287 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,849 Then drop a beat." 288 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:44,117 He cheated on Beyoncé and then wrote a song about it, 289 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:49,296 two things we'll never do, none of us. 290 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,167 I was in a relationship 2 1/2 years, 291 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,213 and I never cheated once, not once. 292 00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,518 I'm on the road all the time. 293 00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,390 People are like, "What's your secret? 294 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,392 How do you stay faithful on the road?" 295 00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,089 This is my secret. I'll tell you. 296 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:03,179 Two and a half years, never cheated once, my secret -- 297 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,790 Not one woman tried to fuck me. 298 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,622 I mean, thank you. 299 00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:15,235 Thank you. 300 00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:18,455 Am I a hero? Yes. I am. 301 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,935 I'd be alone on a plane. 302 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,632 Beautiful women walking towards me. 303 00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:23,895 I'd be like, "This chick better not sit next to me." 304 00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:25,375 She'd sit next to me. 305 00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:26,463 We wouldn't speak the entire flight. 306 00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:27,725 I'd be like, "That was a close call." 307 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:31,686 I mean, I'm an amazing person. 308 00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:36,604 Then your friends pressure you to get on these dating apps. 309 00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,345 They're very intimidating. 310 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,347 Sometimes the pictures don't even match the occupation. 311 00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:43,002 Just, like, a gorgeous woman bent over 312 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,525 with her finger in her mouth, and you're like, 313 00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:48,355 "St. Jude's Children's Hospital? 314 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,444 If you say so. 315 00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:52,098 I'm just worried about the children at this point, 316 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,708 you know?" 317 00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:54,926 One of my friends was like, 318 00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:56,406 "I got this dating site for you." 319 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:59,627 He comes over. It's a prison dating site. 320 00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:02,238 Incarcerated women was his suggestion, 321 00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:05,154 and we laughed for like 5 minutes, but, then, like, minute 6, 322 00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:08,157 "There's some attractive women here." 323 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,985 But then it shows you the crimes they commit, and you're like, 324 00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:12,814 "Double homicide is probably a bad idea, you know?" 325 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,424 But they have actual profiles. 326 00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:15,991 One of them actually said, "I love the outdoors." 327 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:18,472 You're like, "Yeah. I mean, obviously." 328 00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,825 "I mean, it turns out you like money laundering 329 00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:25,566 a bit more, unfortunately, but..." 330 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,658 I'm wearing condoms again. 331 00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,225 Yeah. I'm wearing condoms again. 332 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:35,010 It's the end of an era. 333 00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:37,491 It's not that bad. Guys complain about condoms. 334 00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:38,796 You know what wearing a condom is like? 335 00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,059 You ever go to a basketball court, 336 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,018 and there's no net, and you're like, 337 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,499 "I mean, I guess I'll play, but..." 338 00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,591 The whole time, you're like, "Did that even go in?" 339 00:17:57,859 --> 00:18:00,514 I was with a woman the other night. 340 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,690 She asked me not to wear a condom. 341 00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,344 I've never had that before. 342 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,910 She's like, "I'd rather you didn't wear a condom." 343 00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,304 I was like, "I'm going to wear the condom, so..." 344 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:09,827 She's like, "Please don't wear it." 345 00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,742 I'm like, "I'm wearing it. I've made my choice. 346 00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,396 I'm gonna wear it." 347 00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,702 She said, "I'd prefer if you didn't wear the condom." 348 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,574 I was like, "Wearing it. 349 00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,881 Can't believe we're having this discussion, 350 00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:23,363 and I can't believe which side I'm on, to be honest." 351 00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:26,061 And she goes, "Why?" 352 00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,194 "Why? Because, based on this, 353 00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,934 I don't think you're going to be a good mother." 354 00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,377 She slept over. That's a weird one. 355 00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:38,726 She spent the night. 356 00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:40,293 A one-night stand spending the night is, 357 00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:42,469 like, I mean, that's like if you ordered in food, 358 00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:44,601 and the delivery guy stayed while you ate it. 359 00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,693 And, you know, I'm trying to be a better person. 360 00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:51,391 I quit watching porn. 361 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,436 I cut back, and... 362 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:58,049 I do a double-browser system. 363 00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,922 I do the work browser and the other, 364 00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:02,402 so Safari thinks I'm a good person, 365 00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:04,752 but Firefox is like, "Dude, what the fuck?" 366 00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,884 I'm like, "Well, you don't even want to know 367 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,799 what I'm doing to Google Chrome, so..." 368 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:15,371 I find porn to be less offensive than a lot of women's magazines, 369 00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:17,982 you know, because at least porn is body-positive. 370 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,114 There's fat and old porn. 371 00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:22,639 There's no fat and old "Cosmo." 372 00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:23,814 Every women's magazine is like, 373 00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:25,773 "How to shed that last 10 pounds." 374 00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:27,296 Meanwhile, porn is like, "You're perfect, 375 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,603 and we have a category for you right here." 376 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:36,697 You're not fat in porn. 377 00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:39,352 You're a big, beautiful woman, 378 00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:42,268 a BBW, if you will. 379 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:43,443 You're not old. 380 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:46,185 You're mature. 381 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,621 You're not covered in semen. 382 00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:50,145 You're getting a facial. 383 00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:00,329 It's like a day at the spa. 384 00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:02,201 I'm glad that joke went over because, if it didn't, 385 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,767 this next one would be a real uphill battle, 386 00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:07,118 so... 387 00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,817 one time my ex asked me to finish on her face. 388 00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,994 There's no clean way to say that. 389 00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:15,301 I tried to think of something. It just doesn't work. 390 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,172 She asked me. 391 00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:18,695 She's like, "I think we should try if you finish on my face," 392 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:19,957 and I said, "I don't think it's a good idea," 393 00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,699 and she was like, "Please." 394 00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,135 I might have doctored this conversation, 395 00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:30,141 but... 396 00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:33,493 she was like, "Please," and I was like, "Oh. All right." 397 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,845 I did it, and, the second I did it, 398 00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:40,021 we both had a moment where we were like, 399 00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:42,197 "We are not these types of people at all." 400 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,940 "I am in way over my head here. 401 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,377 This is not good." 402 00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,205 I felt terrible. 403 00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:53,513 I got her a hot towel, some cream, some sliced cucumbers. 404 00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,557 I gave her an actual facial. 405 00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:57,299 That's how bad I felt, you know? 406 00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:00,868 I played some Enya. 407 00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,697 Remember Enya, anyone? 408 00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,307 That's a -- It's a weird feeling 409 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,222 because your only way of finding out 410 00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:10,617 you're not that type of person is to put it into practice. 411 00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:13,272 It's hard-core. I'm not that hard-core. 412 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,925 It's like when you're young and you, like, think you could join 413 00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,492 a gang, and they're like, "You're not one of us." 414 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:19,234 You're like, "I feel like I could be." 415 00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:21,236 They're like, "You're not one of us," 416 00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:22,759 and then, finally, they let you in, 417 00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:24,195 and they light someone on fire, and you're like, 418 00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:25,719 "You guys were right. 419 00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,374 I'm gonna go get a smoothie. 420 00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,898 This is..." 421 00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,815 I'm not into celebrity sex tapes, too. 422 00:21:34,815 --> 00:21:36,556 They creep me out. 423 00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:38,122 Like, when the Hulk Hogan sex tape dropped, my friend... 424 00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:40,734 I said "dropped" like it was a fucking album. 425 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:44,303 When the Hulk Hogan sex tape dropped, 426 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,957 we all remember where we were. 427 00:21:46,957 --> 00:21:49,525 It was right after Yeezy's album. 428 00:21:51,614 --> 00:21:53,486 But my friend sent me that sex tape, 429 00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:54,922 and I was like, "I don't." 430 00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,227 He's like, "It's funny." 431 00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,620 I was like, "Not my type of humor. 432 00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:00,188 I do a lot dry witticisms. 433 00:22:00,188 --> 00:22:02,669 I don't really do the ex-wrestlers fucking." 434 00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:06,629 I knew too much about the story. 435 00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,065 Like, I knew that some woman allegedly 436 00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:09,415 extorted money from him 437 00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,112 and that she couldn't get any money, 438 00:22:11,112 --> 00:22:13,593 and then he won all this money, so I knew the story. 439 00:22:13,593 --> 00:22:15,769 I knew that she fucked Hulk Hogan 440 00:22:15,769 --> 00:22:18,119 and then got outsmarted by Hulk Hogan. 441 00:22:20,295 --> 00:22:23,385 It's not a feel-good story at all. 442 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,431 I don't even know what you would do after that. 443 00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:27,955 I guess you pretend you're dating. 444 00:22:27,955 --> 00:22:29,565 "What's this new guy look like?" 445 00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:32,481 "Well, he's horseshoe bald, but, also, 446 00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:34,570 he's got a mullet at the same time." 447 00:22:36,746 --> 00:22:38,705 "Interesting combo." 448 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,011 "Yeah, but he's shredded. He's in great shape." 449 00:22:41,011 --> 00:22:42,099 "Oh. So he's young?" 450 00:22:42,099 --> 00:22:45,451 "I think he's, like, 85, 451 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:48,323 but a young 85." 452 00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,456 "Oh. He's older. Does he dress well?" 453 00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:53,502 "Only spandex." 454 00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,461 "Okay. Well, at least no one knows you fucked him." 455 00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:58,681 "Going to stop you again here. 456 00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:01,118 My life is a disaster." 457 00:23:04,339 --> 00:23:06,036 I'm at a good age, sexually. 458 00:23:06,036 --> 00:23:07,690 I get in that, like, things I didn't used to get. 459 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:13,653 Cunnilingus, all in, love it, it's a good time. 460 00:23:13,653 --> 00:23:15,306 Back in the day, when I was young, 461 00:23:15,306 --> 00:23:16,482 I did it because I was like, "This is what men do." 462 00:23:16,482 --> 00:23:17,700 Now I'm older. It's like Scotch. 463 00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,485 I'm like, "It's actually quite nice." 464 00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,186 One time I was going down on my ex. 465 00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:26,840 I was, like, really... 466 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,232 You have, like, a realization that you enjoy it. 467 00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:29,408 You know, I was getting really into it, 468 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,235 and I stopped in the middle. 469 00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,542 I was like, "Man, I love eating vagina," and she was like, 470 00:23:33,542 --> 00:23:36,066 "Cool. In the future, could you say my vagina?" 471 00:23:39,330 --> 00:23:42,029 It is a fair edit. 472 00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:43,291 When you've been with someone a couple years, 473 00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:44,510 you show some brand loyalty. 474 00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:48,862 That's what I say. 475 00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,255 You could get throat cancer from cunnilingus. 476 00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:53,823 Did you know that? Yeah. 477 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:55,259 All the women are turning to their boyfriends right now. 478 00:23:55,259 --> 00:23:57,000 "That's not true. That's not. 479 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,090 It's just not," but...No. 480 00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:02,005 I read that, and maybe you guys don't all get your news 481 00:24:02,005 --> 00:24:03,267 from brobible.net, 482 00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:06,140 but it's one of the most 483 00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:10,361 trusted medical journals in America, and... 484 00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:15,105 But if that is true, then, I mean, you lived a good life. 485 00:24:15,105 --> 00:24:16,977 Right? I mean, if you did it enough to kill you... 486 00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,547 ...you went out like a fucking G, 487 00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:24,941 as in generous. 488 00:24:24,941 --> 00:24:27,596 No one is saying a bad word at that funeral. 489 00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:30,338 "He was a giving man. 490 00:24:30,338 --> 00:24:32,775 He didn't speak much, 491 00:24:32,775 --> 00:24:34,777 but he was quite good at breathing underwater." 492 00:24:39,216 --> 00:24:42,655 I like older women, I think, you know, like, more mature. 493 00:24:42,655 --> 00:24:43,830 You know, I've always liked that. 494 00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:45,440 My therapist will say, 495 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,963 "You have unresolved issues with your mother." 496 00:24:46,963 --> 00:24:48,225 That always silences a room nice and quiet, 497 00:24:48,225 --> 00:24:51,228 but, I mean, like, similar values. 498 00:24:51,228 --> 00:24:52,665 The haircut is a coincidence, 499 00:24:52,665 --> 00:24:55,842 but then my mom meets these women. 500 00:24:55,842 --> 00:24:58,018 Every time, my mom is like, "I don't like her." 501 00:24:58,018 --> 00:25:01,195 I'm like, "Yeah. Of course not. She's a younger you. 502 00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,066 That's why you don't like her." 503 00:25:03,066 --> 00:25:05,329 Then my dad meets her, and he's like, "I think she's great." 504 00:25:05,329 --> 00:25:07,680 I'm like, "You sick fuck." 505 00:25:10,857 --> 00:25:13,424 I like curvy, you know, like voluptuous. 506 00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:14,817 I don't know why my hand is doing that, 507 00:25:14,817 --> 00:25:17,646 but I don't know why it did this shit. 508 00:25:17,646 --> 00:25:20,475 That was creepy as hell. 509 00:25:20,475 --> 00:25:21,824 That's how it started for Weinstein, 510 00:25:21,824 --> 00:25:24,348 and who knows where it ends? 511 00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:28,788 Curvy, I liked voluptuous. 512 00:25:28,788 --> 00:25:30,485 I don't know who came up with the stick-thin model look, 513 00:25:30,485 --> 00:25:31,791 probably the fashion industry, 514 00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:35,055 which means mostly homosexual men. 515 00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:37,797 Right? Gay guys are like, "These are the hot chicks," 516 00:25:37,797 --> 00:25:41,017 and straight guys are like, "If you say so, but..." 517 00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:43,585 I mean, I'll fuck most of them, but I'm not happy about it. 518 00:25:45,718 --> 00:25:47,633 Why did gay guys get to choose who the hot women are? 519 00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:49,852 That's if, like, straight guys got to decide 520 00:25:49,852 --> 00:25:53,421 which is the best Broadway show. 521 00:25:53,421 --> 00:25:57,381 Like, "All right. And the Tony goes to 'Rocky' again." 522 00:26:04,258 --> 00:26:05,999 My ex's best friend was a gay guy. 523 00:26:05,999 --> 00:26:09,089 I loved the guy, you know, because he's protective. 524 00:26:09,089 --> 00:26:11,570 He did activities with her I didn't want to do, 525 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,354 and he did not want to have sex with her, 526 00:26:13,354 --> 00:26:15,878 so it's a very good deal for me, honestly. 527 00:26:15,878 --> 00:26:17,401 I get her anniversary gifts. 528 00:26:17,401 --> 00:26:19,229 I'll be like, "Honey, two tickets to Bieber. 529 00:26:19,229 --> 00:26:23,233 You and Mateo are going to have so much fun." 530 00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:26,497 I'm not going to that bullshit. 531 00:26:26,497 --> 00:26:28,587 We all have a little gay in us. 532 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,240 We do. I don't know if you know this. 533 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,025 Every straight guy, when we pee urinal to urinal, 534 00:26:32,025 --> 00:26:33,417 we do look at the other one's penis, 535 00:26:33,417 --> 00:26:36,725 so I hope that's true. 536 00:26:41,556 --> 00:26:45,081 It's my hypothesis portion of the show. 537 00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:47,867 I could be wrong, but, if I'm wrong, I don't want to be right. 538 00:26:47,867 --> 00:26:49,564 I'll tell you that much. 539 00:26:51,914 --> 00:26:53,220 I've been on the road a lot. 540 00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:55,222 I've been to some real dumps lately. 541 00:26:55,222 --> 00:26:59,139 Reno, Nevada... 542 00:26:59,139 --> 00:27:02,098 shithole. 543 00:27:02,098 --> 00:27:04,535 I did a casino there for a week. 544 00:27:04,535 --> 00:27:07,626 That sentence keeps getting sadder as it goes along, 545 00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:09,845 a casino in Reno. 546 00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:12,369 If you ever want to see fake tits and an oxygen tank 547 00:27:12,369 --> 00:27:16,809 on the same person, book a ticket. 548 00:27:16,809 --> 00:27:20,639 It's happening. 549 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,728 It's a joke, guys. 550 00:27:22,728 --> 00:27:24,555 It's a lovely city if you hate teeth and can't afford Vegas. 551 00:27:24,555 --> 00:27:27,341 It's a... 552 00:27:27,341 --> 00:27:28,603 I was in Montreal. 553 00:27:28,603 --> 00:27:29,778 That's a good city. 554 00:27:29,778 --> 00:27:31,737 You guys like Montreal? 555 00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,260 That's a good... You know what they do? 556 00:27:33,260 --> 00:27:34,391 They try to make you go to their strip clubs 557 00:27:34,391 --> 00:27:36,132 the second you get there. 558 00:27:36,132 --> 00:27:37,743 Maybe I'm hanging with different people than you guys, 559 00:27:37,743 --> 00:27:40,615 but they're like, "You should go to these strip clubs." 560 00:27:40,615 --> 00:27:42,399 I was like, "I'm not. I'm not gonna go." 561 00:27:42,399 --> 00:27:43,879 They were like, "You should go." I was like, "I'm not going. 562 00:27:43,879 --> 00:27:45,838 Those girls are victims of sexual abuse, 563 00:27:45,838 --> 00:27:49,537 and, also, it's too much money, so..." 564 00:27:49,537 --> 00:27:51,539 That's my stance. 565 00:27:51,539 --> 00:27:53,149 I could have just said the first part and said, maybe, like, 566 00:27:53,149 --> 00:27:54,629 "I'm not gonna take advantage of some girl's 567 00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:58,589 fucked-up childhood, not at those prices." 568 00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:03,594 You want me to confront an ugly truth, 569 00:28:03,594 --> 00:28:04,639 you better give me a bargain. 570 00:28:04,639 --> 00:28:07,947 That's all I'm saying. 571 00:28:07,947 --> 00:28:09,426 I was in Montreal. 572 00:28:09,426 --> 00:28:11,254 I was going through customs, and they speak 573 00:28:11,254 --> 00:28:12,647 a little differently, so, like, one of them was like, 574 00:28:12,647 --> 00:28:15,041 "Have you ever been arrested or handcuffed?" 575 00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:19,872 And I was, like, I mean, two different questions. 576 00:28:19,872 --> 00:28:21,177 Arrested or handcuffed? 577 00:28:21,177 --> 00:28:22,396 That's kind of being, like, 578 00:28:22,396 --> 00:28:23,963 have you ever had a prostate exam 579 00:28:23,963 --> 00:28:26,226 or a finger in the butt? 580 00:28:32,058 --> 00:28:33,929 I just say "yes," because, you know, I'm health conscious 581 00:28:33,929 --> 00:28:36,932 but open-minded, and... 582 00:28:36,932 --> 00:28:39,108 Everything is self-service now when you go to these airports. 583 00:28:39,108 --> 00:28:40,936 You know, I've been flying so much and, like, LaGuardia, 584 00:28:40,936 --> 00:28:42,503 that's where I fly out of. 585 00:28:42,503 --> 00:28:43,547 I went to get a coffee there, and I was like, 586 00:28:43,547 --> 00:28:45,158 "Can I have a coffee?" 587 00:28:45,158 --> 00:28:46,899 The guy is like, "Yeah. You pour it yourself over there," 588 00:28:46,899 --> 00:28:48,552 and I was like, "Okay." So I pour it, and I go to pay. 589 00:28:48,552 --> 00:28:50,293 I was like, "Can I have this coffee?" 590 00:28:50,293 --> 00:28:52,165 He's like, "You pay with that other guy over there." 591 00:28:52,165 --> 00:28:53,732 I was like, "All right." So I walked over. 592 00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:55,342 I was like, "Can I have this coffee?" 593 00:28:55,342 --> 00:28:56,691 And he was just like, "Oh, yeah. It's self scan. 594 00:28:56,691 --> 00:28:58,388 You do it yourself," 595 00:28:58,388 --> 00:29:02,784 and I was like, "Why are all of you here?" 596 00:29:02,784 --> 00:29:04,525 And then there was a tip jar, and I thought I did a good job, 597 00:29:04,525 --> 00:29:06,440 so I took a $5 bill on the way out 598 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:09,443 because, you know... 599 00:29:09,443 --> 00:29:13,360 I earned it. 600 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:19,932 I fly almost exclusively Delta because of the Biscoff cookie. 601 00:29:19,932 --> 00:29:22,761 I'm an adult, and I've made my choice. 602 00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:25,285 It's a fucking awesome cookie. 603 00:29:25,285 --> 00:29:26,982 You may...You grow up, and you realize what cookies you like. 604 00:29:26,982 --> 00:29:29,506 I never thought biscotti was gonna be in the cards, 605 00:29:29,506 --> 00:29:34,033 but comeback victory for biscotti, delicious cookie, 606 00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:36,557 so pretentious, but so yummy. 607 00:29:36,557 --> 00:29:38,472 I feel like Chips Ahoy looks at biscotti like, "All right. 608 00:29:38,472 --> 00:29:43,390 Dude, we get it. You studied abroad. Eh." 609 00:29:43,390 --> 00:29:45,218 And biscotti is like, "I did Prague. I did Madrid. 610 00:29:45,218 --> 00:29:48,525 I've seen a lot of shit, to be honest, so..." 611 00:29:48,525 --> 00:29:50,353 Delta took away 20,000 612 00:29:50,353 --> 00:29:52,660 of my hard-earned road comedian airline miles. 613 00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:54,836 This happened 6 years ago, but I'm not over it, 614 00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:57,665 and I called to complain, 615 00:29:57,665 --> 00:29:59,058 and this woman picks up the phone, and she just goes, 616 00:29:59,058 --> 00:30:00,581 "Oh. We don't do this anymore." 617 00:30:00,581 --> 00:30:02,061 I was like, "You don't do what?" 618 00:30:02,061 --> 00:30:03,584 She's like, "We don't do complaints anymore." 619 00:30:07,936 --> 00:30:09,720 "Pardon me?" 620 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,331 She's like, "Yeah. You can e-mail our complaint division, 621 00:30:11,331 --> 00:30:12,680 but it takes, like, 6 months," 622 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,247 and I was like, "That's ridiculous." 623 00:30:14,247 --> 00:30:16,858 Then she said, "Also, your mother is a cunt." 624 00:30:19,034 --> 00:30:21,341 I'm paraphrasing, but that's how her words made me feel, 625 00:30:21,341 --> 00:30:22,995 you know. 626 00:30:22,995 --> 00:30:24,213 I can say whatever I want as long as it's how I feel. 627 00:30:24,213 --> 00:30:28,304 That's what my therapist Alan says. 628 00:30:28,304 --> 00:30:29,610 So I get transferred to my next rep. 629 00:30:29,610 --> 00:30:31,090 She's even worse. 630 00:30:31,090 --> 00:30:33,657 She said, "Well, your miles are from 2010. 631 00:30:33,657 --> 00:30:38,706 We didn't start keeping track till 2011, so sorray." 632 00:30:38,706 --> 00:30:43,363 Yeah, she said, "Sorray" with an A, Y. 633 00:30:43,363 --> 00:30:45,756 That's the least sincere apology of all. 634 00:30:45,756 --> 00:30:48,107 You would never go to a funeral, "Sorray." 635 00:30:51,980 --> 00:30:56,202 And if you do, that's the murderer right there -- 636 00:30:56,202 --> 00:30:58,291 "Sorray for your loss." 637 00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:03,209 "Are you?" 638 00:31:03,209 --> 00:31:04,819 So I said, "This isn't fair." 639 00:31:04,819 --> 00:31:06,908 She said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you." 640 00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:08,736 I said, "I feel like you're being kind of condescending." 641 00:31:08,736 --> 00:31:11,652 She said, "Oh, am I?" 642 00:31:11,652 --> 00:31:12,871 "Yeah, you're talking down to me." 643 00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,090 She said, "Oh, well." 644 00:31:15,090 --> 00:31:16,396 I'm not proud of what I said next. 645 00:31:16,396 --> 00:31:17,832 It was a little subtle. 646 00:31:17,832 --> 00:31:20,095 I said, "I hope that you die in a fire." 647 00:31:22,402 --> 00:31:26,188 True story -- She hung up on me. 648 00:31:26,188 --> 00:31:27,668 Look, I overstepped a little. 649 00:31:27,668 --> 00:31:29,496 Rude customer service, hour-plus hold time, 650 00:31:29,496 --> 00:31:32,281 fiery death may be a little extreme. 651 00:31:32,281 --> 00:31:34,980 I should've gone with moderate form of cancer for my insult, 652 00:31:34,980 --> 00:31:36,807 you know? 653 00:31:36,807 --> 00:31:38,244 You guys can pull back here, but I'm gonna power through 654 00:31:38,244 --> 00:31:39,680 because I believe in myself. 655 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:43,336 I'm talking treatable stage I cancer, 656 00:31:43,336 --> 00:31:44,903 and then she shows up at the hospital, and they're like, 657 00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,513 "There's nothing we can do. 658 00:31:46,513 --> 00:31:50,734 Your insurance ran out in 2010, so sorray." 659 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:00,614 I mean... when the cancer joke hits, 660 00:32:00,614 --> 00:32:02,703 we are in for a pretty good second half, I would say. 661 00:32:02,703 --> 00:32:06,315 I mean, this is good news. 662 00:32:06,315 --> 00:32:08,622 So I go to, like, all these cities all over the country. 663 00:32:08,622 --> 00:32:10,493 Some of them, you go to some sensitive places. 664 00:32:10,493 --> 00:32:12,278 I was in Portland, very sensitive people. 665 00:32:12,278 --> 00:32:14,062 I think it's the lack of protein. 666 00:32:14,062 --> 00:32:16,673 And I walked in this comedy club. 667 00:32:16,673 --> 00:32:18,937 This guy was like, "I got the three hot girls in. 668 00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:20,242 You owe me big-time." 669 00:32:20,242 --> 00:32:21,852 I was like, "Thank you very much." 670 00:32:21,852 --> 00:32:23,724 He said, "Yup, takes a woman like me to get those 671 00:32:23,724 --> 00:32:25,160 hot chicks in." 672 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:26,857 And he had a 5:00 shadow like me. 673 00:32:26,857 --> 00:32:27,902 I was like, "You're a guy, though, right?" 674 00:32:27,902 --> 00:32:29,904 And he was like, "Excuse me?" 675 00:32:29,904 --> 00:32:33,081 And I was like, "Aw, shit. You're not a man?" 676 00:32:33,081 --> 00:32:34,735 He's like, "You can't tell me how I identify." 677 00:32:34,735 --> 00:32:36,389 And I said, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake." 678 00:32:36,389 --> 00:32:38,652 He goes, "Fuck you. You made a mistake." 679 00:32:38,652 --> 00:32:40,436 And I said, "I can clearly see that you're a woman now 680 00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:42,656 because you're furious at me, and I have no idea why." 681 00:32:45,572 --> 00:32:49,750 And then he forgave me, so probably was a man. 682 00:32:54,581 --> 00:32:56,887 That one takes a second to see if you agree with it first 683 00:32:56,887 --> 00:32:59,455 because we are in Brooklyn. 684 00:33:02,023 --> 00:33:04,939 I did a Caitlyn Jenner joke on "The Late Show" with Colbert, 685 00:33:04,939 --> 00:33:06,767 and I got a nasty e-mail about it. 686 00:33:06,767 --> 00:33:09,683 They're like, "You don't get it. You're a straight white man. 687 00:33:09,683 --> 00:33:12,729 Caitlyn Jenner has had it hard." 688 00:33:12,729 --> 00:33:14,644 Has she? 689 00:33:14,644 --> 00:33:17,473 Caitlyn Jenner has never worked a day in her life. 690 00:33:17,473 --> 00:33:19,562 She's been coasting off of Bruce's success 691 00:33:19,562 --> 00:33:21,869 her entire existence. 692 00:33:23,653 --> 00:33:30,225 I mean...that guy trained hard every day. 693 00:33:30,225 --> 00:33:33,098 Bruce Jenner -- American hero. 694 00:33:33,098 --> 00:33:37,537 Caitlyn Jenner -- gold-digging whore. 695 00:33:37,537 --> 00:33:39,147 I don't know if Caitlyn kept the penis or not. 696 00:33:39,147 --> 00:33:40,540 I don't know. 697 00:33:40,540 --> 00:33:42,672 I feel like you'd be better off without it. 698 00:33:42,672 --> 00:33:45,675 The penis is just an inconsiderate body part, 699 00:33:45,675 --> 00:33:47,503 isn't it? It really is. 700 00:33:47,503 --> 00:33:49,549 If it was your friend, it would be your worst friend. 701 00:33:49,549 --> 00:33:54,119 There's no worse friend than penis -- 702 00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:56,860 an opportunist, a social climber. 703 00:33:56,860 --> 00:33:58,819 During my breakup, I was crying during my breakup, 704 00:33:58,819 --> 00:34:01,169 and I hugged her goodbye, and I got hard. 705 00:34:05,869 --> 00:34:08,568 That's how little your penis cares. 706 00:34:08,568 --> 00:34:10,135 Up here, it's the worst moment of my life. 707 00:34:10,135 --> 00:34:11,788 Down here, my dick is like, "Dude, one for the road. 708 00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:18,578 I mean, let's get the band back together, 709 00:34:18,578 --> 00:34:21,972 one more job." 710 00:34:21,972 --> 00:34:24,149 The female anatomy is so much more complex. 711 00:34:24,149 --> 00:34:26,064 I mean, you have to find the clitoris. 712 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:31,069 The penis just shows up, sometimes uninvited. 713 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,462 If they were toys, I would say the penis, pogo stick, you know, 714 00:34:33,462 --> 00:34:35,377 simple, unpretentious. 715 00:34:35,377 --> 00:34:37,075 You take one look at a pogo stick. 716 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:38,946 You're like, "I could figure that out." 717 00:34:38,946 --> 00:34:40,817 You go up and down and you're like, "That's pretty much it, 718 00:34:40,817 --> 00:34:42,776 actually." 719 00:34:42,776 --> 00:34:46,606 The vagina, Rubik's Cube all day. 720 00:34:46,606 --> 00:34:48,347 You could play with it your whole life and still be like, 721 00:34:48,347 --> 00:34:52,525 "I have no idea. I don't know. 722 00:34:52,525 --> 00:34:55,571 Only Asian boys can crack that code, you know?" 723 00:34:58,270 --> 00:35:00,054 The penis, well, it starts a pogo stick. 724 00:35:00,054 --> 00:35:04,624 It ends up a Slinky, flaccid, sad-looking, 725 00:35:04,624 --> 00:35:06,582 trying to escape down the staircase. 726 00:35:12,153 --> 00:35:14,242 Most women I know, they look at sex differently. 727 00:35:14,242 --> 00:35:16,766 Most women I know, they look at sex like buying a car, be like, 728 00:35:16,766 --> 00:35:19,029 "Can I see myself in this long-term? 729 00:35:19,029 --> 00:35:24,644 Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?" 730 00:35:24,644 --> 00:35:26,515 Most guys, you know, they look at sex like parking a car. 731 00:35:26,515 --> 00:35:28,691 We're like, "There's a spot." 732 00:35:31,912 --> 00:35:34,697 "There's another spot." 733 00:35:36,221 --> 00:35:38,223 "Oh, I have to pay? Never mind." 734 00:35:41,226 --> 00:35:43,793 "Handicapped? Hope no one sees this." 735 00:35:49,538 --> 00:35:51,018 I'm trying to be better, you know? 736 00:35:51,018 --> 00:35:52,672 I'm an atheist. 737 00:35:52,672 --> 00:35:54,195 But then you ever meet, like, a hard-core atheist, 738 00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:56,023 and you're like, "Well, I'm not that." 739 00:35:56,023 --> 00:35:57,720 I was talking to this guy. He's like, 740 00:35:57,720 --> 00:35:59,113 "You could dig up my body after I'm dead and fuck it. 741 00:35:59,113 --> 00:36:01,855 I don't give a shit. 742 00:36:01,855 --> 00:36:04,901 There's no afterlife." 743 00:36:04,901 --> 00:36:06,555 You could also not believe in God 744 00:36:06,555 --> 00:36:09,297 and hope that someone doesn't defile your corpse. 745 00:36:13,519 --> 00:36:15,608 That's the camp I'm in. 746 00:36:15,608 --> 00:36:16,870 I'm like, "Probably not, but come on. 747 00:36:16,870 --> 00:36:20,308 That seems a bit extreme." 748 00:36:20,308 --> 00:36:21,875 I guess he's, like, a hard-core atheist. 749 00:36:21,875 --> 00:36:23,920 He's a drug dealer. He lives at home. 750 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,444 He's like, "I don't believe in God." 751 00:36:25,444 --> 00:36:26,923 I'm like, "I don't think God believes in you." 752 00:36:31,058 --> 00:36:33,191 I'm trying to be better. 753 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:37,630 I got rejected from the Big Brother program. 754 00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:40,154 True story, I'm not just making that up to sound cool. 755 00:36:43,375 --> 00:36:45,420 They gave me a hard no. 756 00:36:45,420 --> 00:36:46,987 I made it to the third round. 757 00:36:46,987 --> 00:36:48,467 It's hard to get into, but I made it to the... 758 00:36:48,467 --> 00:36:49,903 First two rounds, I killed. They loved me. 759 00:36:49,903 --> 00:36:51,165 Round three, they got a little more tight, 760 00:36:51,165 --> 00:36:52,819 and this woman was like, 761 00:36:52,819 --> 00:36:54,603 "What's a bad example of a Big Brother?" 762 00:36:54,603 --> 00:36:56,170 And I thought she would laugh, so I was like, 763 00:36:56,170 --> 00:36:58,085 "You mean like a child molester?" 764 00:37:01,393 --> 00:37:03,786 And she did not laugh at all. 765 00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:06,398 She said, "We were looking for, like, impatient." 766 00:37:09,052 --> 00:37:10,706 I don't know. I thought we were playing high stakes. 767 00:37:10,706 --> 00:37:13,579 I'm sorry. 768 00:37:13,579 --> 00:37:15,145 She's like, "What are you gonna bring 769 00:37:15,145 --> 00:37:16,234 to the Big Brother program?" 770 00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:19,802 And I said, "Patience. 771 00:37:19,802 --> 00:37:21,064 That's the opposite of pedophilia, 772 00:37:21,064 --> 00:37:23,371 the willingness to wait." 773 00:37:30,552 --> 00:37:32,946 I took a depression test online the other day, 774 00:37:32,946 --> 00:37:36,645 which I think means I have it. 775 00:37:36,645 --> 00:37:38,256 I think that's the test. 776 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:41,302 They're like, "You're here? Yeah, it's not..." 777 00:37:41,302 --> 00:37:43,522 Question one was, "Do you give up on things too easily?" 778 00:37:43,522 --> 00:37:48,309 And I was like, "That's enough for today. 779 00:37:48,309 --> 00:37:51,834 We gave it a shot. 780 00:37:51,834 --> 00:37:53,749 And I don't think I have it." 781 00:37:53,749 --> 00:37:56,230 You ever get sucked into that, like, YouTube comment wormhole? 782 00:37:56,230 --> 00:37:59,581 I don't know why I've never done that and felt good about life. 783 00:37:59,581 --> 00:38:00,843 I've never been like, "Wow, we are gonna be 784 00:38:00,843 --> 00:38:02,976 all right after all," afterward. 785 00:38:02,976 --> 00:38:04,978 I was watching this YouTube video. 786 00:38:04,978 --> 00:38:07,807 It was, like, a Ted talk on grief. 787 00:38:07,807 --> 00:38:09,939 I've got to read you this quote. 788 00:38:09,939 --> 00:38:13,508 It said, "I lost my parents in a car crash a couple years ago. 789 00:38:13,508 --> 00:38:16,032 Last year, I lost my wife to lung cancer. 790 00:38:16,032 --> 00:38:18,861 Recently, I lost my sister to breast cancer. 791 00:38:18,861 --> 00:38:20,733 When the tsunamis of grief wash over me, 792 00:38:20,733 --> 00:38:22,082 I have to stop everything I'm doing 793 00:38:22,082 --> 00:38:23,736 and take a deep breath. 794 00:38:23,736 --> 00:38:27,217 Soon, it dissipates and begins to melt away like snow." 795 00:38:27,217 --> 00:38:30,395 The comment underneath it said, "Shut up, bitch." 796 00:38:35,530 --> 00:38:41,841 If you asked me to define the Internet, that's it -- 797 00:38:41,841 --> 00:38:44,322 Sad meets mean. 798 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:49,805 That's all you're gonna find, pathetic and terrible. 799 00:38:49,805 --> 00:38:52,547 I do kind of like "Shut up, bitch," though. 800 00:38:52,547 --> 00:38:57,117 It's so final. 801 00:38:57,117 --> 00:38:58,901 If someone says, "Shut up, bitch," you're shutting up. 802 00:38:58,901 --> 00:39:02,165 I mean, it's good. 803 00:39:02,165 --> 00:39:06,866 I disagree with the intent, but the word choice is economical. 804 00:39:10,043 --> 00:39:12,524 Once a year, I'll get into it with a troll. 805 00:39:12,524 --> 00:39:14,090 That's like my Mardi Gras. 806 00:39:14,090 --> 00:39:17,093 I'll really, like, I'll let it fly, you know? 807 00:39:17,093 --> 00:39:18,791 Like, I'll look, but I'm also like, 808 00:39:18,791 --> 00:39:20,662 I mean, I'm not gonna get involved or engaged, 809 00:39:20,662 --> 00:39:24,318 but once in a while, it is fun. 810 00:39:24,318 --> 00:39:26,364 Last year... 811 00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:27,756 And don't pretend to act like you're a great person here. 812 00:39:27,756 --> 00:39:30,542 We're all mortified by this, 813 00:39:30,542 --> 00:39:32,108 but remember the baby that got eaten 814 00:39:32,108 --> 00:39:34,720 by the alligator at Disney? 815 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:37,070 We can all agree it's a tragedy. 816 00:39:37,070 --> 00:39:38,593 Comedy Central wanted me to say that. 817 00:39:38,593 --> 00:39:43,816 I think it's kind of funny, but... 818 00:39:43,816 --> 00:39:45,208 That's a joke. It's a tragedy. 819 00:39:45,208 --> 00:39:47,036 I'm kidding, guys, but no. 820 00:39:47,036 --> 00:39:50,562 It's a terrible thing that happened, 821 00:39:50,562 --> 00:39:54,392 and I'm going to tell a joke. 822 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,395 I'm not just reporting sad fucking news. 823 00:40:02,182 --> 00:40:05,185 So the baby got eaten by the alligator at Disney. 824 00:40:05,185 --> 00:40:09,145 Is that where we left off? 825 00:40:09,145 --> 00:40:14,542 And it's a tragic thing, and I was like, 826 00:40:14,542 --> 00:40:16,109 "That's terrible," and then two weeks went by, 827 00:40:16,109 --> 00:40:19,808 and I was like, "All right. It's time. 828 00:40:19,808 --> 00:40:21,549 It's time. 829 00:40:21,549 --> 00:40:25,335 Of course it's terrible, but let me fucking try." 830 00:40:25,335 --> 00:40:28,251 And I went on stage that night at the Comedy Cellar, 831 00:40:28,251 --> 00:40:31,080 and I said, "I don't mean to come off like a gun nut. 832 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:32,952 I just think if that baby was carrying a weapon, 833 00:40:32,952 --> 00:40:34,693 he'd still be with us. That's how I feel." 834 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,396 Not a great joke, but it's timely. 835 00:40:42,396 --> 00:40:47,227 And there's a woman in the front row, and she just goes, "No." 836 00:40:47,227 --> 00:40:48,968 And I was like "What?" 837 00:40:48,968 --> 00:40:50,883 She's like, "You can't joke about that," 838 00:40:50,883 --> 00:40:54,408 which guarantees I will continue to keep joking about it. 839 00:40:54,408 --> 00:40:59,326 If you know anything about comedians, that's all we need. 840 00:40:59,326 --> 00:41:01,110 And she's like, "No, you can't." 841 00:41:01,110 --> 00:41:03,156 So I'm like, "Did you even watch the baby's funeral on TV?" 842 00:41:03,156 --> 00:41:04,462 Which it wasn't on TV. 843 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,595 They don't televise baby funerals, 844 00:41:07,595 --> 00:41:10,946 but it is a pilot I'm thinking of pitching. 845 00:41:12,992 --> 00:41:16,082 "Coming this fall to MTV after 'Teen Mom.'" 846 00:41:24,046 --> 00:41:26,440 But it kind of escalated. 847 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,181 I was like, "Did you even see the baby's funeral on TV?" 848 00:41:28,181 --> 00:41:29,835 And she said, "No, I guess I haven't seen 849 00:41:29,835 --> 00:41:31,663 the baby's funeral on TV." 850 00:41:31,663 --> 00:41:33,447 And I said, "Well, if you did, you would've seen the mother 851 00:41:33,447 --> 00:41:34,840 come on through tears and say, 'See you later, alligator,'" 852 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,059 which... 853 00:41:40,323 --> 00:41:42,674 She gets up and walks out. 854 00:41:42,674 --> 00:41:45,372 Her husband stays put, which is how you know it's a good joke. 855 00:41:47,417 --> 00:41:49,811 And there's a part of me that is excited by this 856 00:41:49,811 --> 00:41:51,465 because I know I'm the subject of conversation 857 00:41:51,465 --> 00:41:53,206 in the car ride home. 858 00:41:53,206 --> 00:41:54,729 You know that she's like, "He was terrible," 859 00:41:54,729 --> 00:41:56,252 and the husband is like, 860 00:41:56,252 --> 00:41:57,515 "I thought he had some good stuff, you know?" 861 00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:03,085 "I thought he was bringing it tonight, you know?" 862 00:42:03,085 --> 00:42:05,740 So they e-mailed the Comedy Cellar, my home club, 863 00:42:05,740 --> 00:42:08,787 and the Comedy Cellar forwards me the e-mail, 864 00:42:08,787 --> 00:42:12,312 "Ha ha ha" with 11 exclamation points. 865 00:42:12,312 --> 00:42:14,270 I counted. I did count, 866 00:42:14,270 --> 00:42:16,229 and I will now read you the best e-mail 867 00:42:16,229 --> 00:42:19,014 I ever got in my life. 868 00:42:19,014 --> 00:42:21,887 Here's how it opens -- "Okay, you want blunt? 869 00:42:21,887 --> 00:42:24,846 I'll be blunt." 870 00:42:24,846 --> 00:42:27,327 So you know some bad shit is coming. 871 00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:29,285 It's never like, "You want blunt? 872 00:42:29,285 --> 00:42:32,288 Wonderful evening. Thank you." 873 00:42:32,288 --> 00:42:35,161 "A disgusting person, Sam Morril, took the stage 874 00:42:35,161 --> 00:42:36,858 and spent the first few minutes of his act 875 00:42:36,858 --> 00:42:38,991 disrespecting the 2-year-old child 876 00:42:38,991 --> 00:42:41,733 who was murdered by the alligator at Disney." 877 00:42:45,345 --> 00:42:47,173 I'm gonna say it. 878 00:42:47,173 --> 00:42:50,959 "Murdered" is a strange word choice to use here, you know? 879 00:42:50,959 --> 00:42:54,354 That makes it sound like the alligator was paid to do it, 880 00:42:54,354 --> 00:42:55,660 then afterwards he went to a pay phone 881 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:57,444 and was like, "It's done." 882 00:43:03,493 --> 00:43:06,105 And then he belched and ran away in a trenchcoat. 883 00:43:08,629 --> 00:43:10,413 "I have never in my life been so offended 884 00:43:10,413 --> 00:43:12,067 and repulsed by someone. 885 00:43:12,067 --> 00:43:13,852 I immediately left and stopped to tell your staff why." 886 00:43:13,852 --> 00:43:15,680 This is my favorite part. 887 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,073 "They followed me to make sure my drinks were being paid." 888 00:43:22,338 --> 00:43:26,429 I mean, it's just so wonderfully condescending that she's like, 889 00:43:26,429 --> 00:43:27,996 "I'm furious," and they're like, "Mm-hmm. 890 00:43:27,996 --> 00:43:30,608 Those Coronas weren't free. 891 00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:33,132 Sorray." 892 00:43:36,309 --> 00:43:39,660 I should say that the comic before me on this show, 893 00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:41,619 friend of mine, she made, like, six 894 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,403 Holocaust jokes, and this woman wasn't bothered by any of them. 895 00:43:43,403 --> 00:43:45,187 She didn't even mention them in the e-mail. 896 00:43:45,187 --> 00:43:46,928 She's acting like they didn't even happen. 897 00:43:46,928 --> 00:43:50,976 I mean, some would call her a denier, but, you know... 898 00:43:50,976 --> 00:43:54,544 Thank you. Thank you. 899 00:43:54,544 --> 00:43:56,721 "I would expect all human beings would be offended 900 00:43:56,721 --> 00:43:59,854 by a sicko making jokes about a 2-year-old baby's tragic death, 901 00:43:59,854 --> 00:44:03,423 saying his mother probably said, 'Later, gator' at his funeral." 902 00:44:05,468 --> 00:44:10,343 I mean, even in text form, it kind of holds up, you know? 903 00:44:10,343 --> 00:44:11,649 Is it the gift that keeps on giving? 904 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,476 Yes, it is. 905 00:44:13,476 --> 00:44:15,348 This is a woman who's trying to get me fired over 906 00:44:15,348 --> 00:44:18,220 "Later, gator," a play on words, 907 00:44:18,220 --> 00:44:20,048 which to me is a bit of a crock, honestly. [croc] 908 00:44:20,048 --> 00:44:22,660 It really is. 909 00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:24,400 No. 910 00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:28,274 "I have posted about this 911 00:44:28,274 --> 00:44:29,710 on every social media account I own." 912 00:44:29,710 --> 00:44:32,452 She sounds fun. 913 00:44:32,452 --> 00:44:34,280 "I've asked everyone I know to share it. 914 00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:36,151 The comedian himself replied to me to say, 915 00:44:36,151 --> 00:44:38,023 'Pretty strong act, huh?'" 916 00:44:41,896 --> 00:44:44,333 I did do that. That is true. 917 00:44:44,333 --> 00:44:48,207 If you troll me, I will occasionally troll back. 918 00:44:48,207 --> 00:44:49,556 I'm hosting this sports show, 919 00:44:49,556 --> 00:44:52,080 and I basically got media trained 920 00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:56,128 because I think they saw me as a "liability," and... 921 00:44:56,128 --> 00:44:59,305 Their words...but they were reading some tweets. 922 00:44:59,305 --> 00:45:00,872 I don't know if you've ever heard a gray-haired person 923 00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:02,351 read your Twitter. 924 00:45:02,351 --> 00:45:05,703 It is enlightening to say the least. 925 00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:07,966 One of the tweets they actually read out loud was, 926 00:45:07,966 --> 00:45:09,968 "Someone tweeted at you here, Sam, 927 00:45:09,968 --> 00:45:13,145 that your comedy is a waste, and you replied, 928 00:45:13,145 --> 00:45:15,582 'Your father's jizz was a waste.'" 929 00:45:21,022 --> 00:45:23,633 I'm like, "So you want me to keep doing that or no?" 930 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,204 She ends it by saying, "What a complete 931 00:45:29,204 --> 00:45:31,293 and utter pathetic excuse for a human. 932 00:45:31,293 --> 00:45:33,252 He doesn't deserve to breathe the same air 933 00:45:33,252 --> 00:45:34,557 or live on the same planet 934 00:45:34,557 --> 00:45:36,124 as that precious little boy's family. 935 00:45:36,124 --> 00:45:38,126 He can go fly a kite!" 936 00:45:40,650 --> 00:45:44,350 Which that last part, it always gets me. 937 00:45:44,350 --> 00:45:46,091 I would love to fly a kite. 938 00:45:46,091 --> 00:45:49,268 It sounds like a pleasant recreational activity. 939 00:45:49,268 --> 00:45:51,444 Kite-flying? 940 00:45:51,444 --> 00:45:53,751 She's very tightly wound. 941 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:56,362 She could use a vacation. I'm thinking Disney, but... 942 00:46:07,242 --> 00:46:09,288 The owner of the club is a very good guy. 943 00:46:09,288 --> 00:46:11,769 I like him a lot, and he e-mailed this woman. 944 00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:13,118 He said, "We feel bad you had a rough night here. 945 00:46:13,118 --> 00:46:14,815 We'd like to make it up to you 946 00:46:14,815 --> 00:46:16,730 and maybe comp you and your husband for a night out," 947 00:46:16,730 --> 00:46:18,210 and I hope they accept, 948 00:46:18,210 --> 00:46:19,385 and I think it'd be a great idea for them 949 00:46:19,385 --> 00:46:20,952 to rebook me for the gig. 950 00:46:23,302 --> 00:46:25,173 Nothing would make me happier. 951 00:46:25,173 --> 00:46:26,261 They're sitting there like, "Finally we can take our mind 952 00:46:26,261 --> 00:46:29,264 of that awful, awful man." 953 00:46:29,264 --> 00:46:33,660 "Your first comic coming to the stage, Sam 'The Gator' Morill!" 954 00:46:39,927 --> 00:46:41,755 I was just doing a gig at a mall in Albany. 955 00:46:41,755 --> 00:46:45,280 I'm not bragging, but, look, 956 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:49,415 when you dream big, things happen in this career. 957 00:46:49,415 --> 00:46:51,852 You'll someday perform next to a Cinnabon. 958 00:46:54,899 --> 00:46:57,684 I was doing a gig, and there was a kid in the crowd. 959 00:46:57,684 --> 00:46:59,033 I was like, "You're too young to be at my show." 960 00:46:59,033 --> 00:47:00,556 And he goes, "I'm 22." 961 00:47:00,556 --> 00:47:02,036 And I said, "There's no way that you're 22. 962 00:47:02,036 --> 00:47:03,646 Someone put a spell on you if you're 22." 963 00:47:03,646 --> 00:47:05,779 And he said, "Here's my driver's license." 964 00:47:05,779 --> 00:47:07,563 I was like, "Wow, you're 22. 965 00:47:07,563 --> 00:47:09,391 You're the youngest-looking 22-year-old I've ever seen. 966 00:47:09,391 --> 00:47:12,742 You're, like, a pedophile's dream. That's crazy, you know?" 967 00:47:12,742 --> 00:47:15,876 And, yeah, okay here. 968 00:47:15,876 --> 00:47:17,095 In Albany, it crushed. 969 00:47:17,095 --> 00:47:18,792 They loved it. 970 00:47:18,792 --> 00:47:20,663 It was to the point that it was hard for me to follow. 971 00:47:20,663 --> 00:47:24,667 Like, they started screaming "Pedophile's dream" 972 00:47:24,667 --> 00:47:26,713 throughout the show. 973 00:47:26,713 --> 00:47:28,454 It became a thing. I'm not bragging, again, 974 00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:31,936 but after the show, he comes up to me. 975 00:47:31,936 --> 00:47:33,285 He goes, "You got to take a picture with me 976 00:47:33,285 --> 00:47:34,764 and post it to Facebook, 977 00:47:34,764 --> 00:47:38,507 hashtag PedophilesDream." 978 00:47:38,507 --> 00:47:41,684 And I was like, "Hey, yeah, let's do it. Sure." 979 00:47:44,644 --> 00:47:46,472 So I did it, and the next morning, 980 00:47:46,472 --> 00:47:49,257 I got a very concerned phone call from my mother. 981 00:47:51,564 --> 00:47:54,567 She was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? 982 00:47:54,567 --> 00:47:56,264 Why would you do that?" 983 00:47:56,264 --> 00:47:58,310 My mom's friend comments on all my Facebook posts, too. 984 00:47:58,310 --> 00:47:59,354 He comments on, like, every joke. 985 00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,748 He's like, "Not funny." 986 00:48:01,748 --> 00:48:04,185 Every joke, "Not amusing at all." 987 00:48:04,185 --> 00:48:06,013 So I posted this picture, and he writes underneath, 988 00:48:06,013 --> 00:48:08,450 "Pedophilia jokes are not funny under any circumstance." 989 00:48:08,450 --> 00:48:11,323 My friend comments underneath, "Shut up, bitch." 990 00:48:15,544 --> 00:48:19,766 This guy gets me. 991 00:48:19,766 --> 00:48:21,507 I'm glad I'm doing this special in New York. 992 00:48:21,507 --> 00:48:22,943 It's home. 993 00:48:22,943 --> 00:48:25,293 It's very much a love-hate relationship. 994 00:48:25,293 --> 00:48:30,820 That was what we call... 995 00:48:30,820 --> 00:48:33,867 That's what we call a cheap applause break in the biz. 996 00:48:33,867 --> 00:48:36,261 Praise the city you're in. 997 00:48:36,261 --> 00:48:37,566 No, I love it here, 998 00:48:37,566 --> 00:48:39,133 but I do take the subway home every night, 999 00:48:39,133 --> 00:48:41,396 and I see some weird shit. 1000 00:48:41,396 --> 00:48:43,050 Sometimes you see the people come on with the music, 1001 00:48:43,050 --> 00:48:44,704 and I'm always like, "Please, I'm hung over. 1002 00:48:44,704 --> 00:48:47,750 This is so inconsiderate." 1003 00:48:47,750 --> 00:48:49,796 I was on. 1004 00:48:49,796 --> 00:48:51,145 This guy was like, "All right. Now all the women join in." 1005 00:48:51,145 --> 00:48:52,538 He actually said that in the middle of a song, 1006 00:48:52,538 --> 00:48:54,714 and a couple women joined in. 1007 00:48:54,714 --> 00:48:56,542 They must have been tourists or something, 1008 00:48:56,542 --> 00:49:00,372 and he said, "All right. Now all the Jews." 1009 00:49:00,372 --> 00:49:05,725 And none of us joined in at all because it sounded like a trap. 1010 00:49:05,725 --> 00:49:08,728 You can't be that specific. 1011 00:49:08,728 --> 00:49:10,686 It sounds suspicious. 1012 00:49:10,686 --> 00:49:13,646 You can't be like, "All right. Now all the Mexicans. 1013 00:49:13,646 --> 00:49:16,040 All right. Now all the undocumented Mexicans." 1014 00:49:19,260 --> 00:49:21,480 The best one is, this guy comes on the other day. 1015 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,657 He's singing about how homeless he is, 1016 00:49:24,657 --> 00:49:27,877 and he had a beautiful voice, so we all really went with it. 1017 00:49:27,877 --> 00:49:29,836 We were all like, "Wow, this is amazing," 1018 00:49:29,836 --> 00:49:31,620 you know, and we all gave him money. 1019 00:49:31,620 --> 00:49:34,623 Then he got off, and then another homeless guy came on, 1020 00:49:34,623 --> 00:49:36,495 and we all at the same time were like, 1021 00:49:36,495 --> 00:49:38,366 "You came at a very bad time." 1022 00:49:40,499 --> 00:49:44,764 "I mean, the last guy really dazzled us," 1023 00:49:44,764 --> 00:49:47,201 and I'm not gonna lie. 1024 00:49:47,201 --> 00:49:50,770 There's a bit of a disappointment, you know? 1025 00:49:50,770 --> 00:49:53,425 That's how tough this city is. 1026 00:49:53,425 --> 00:49:54,513 You can't just be homeless. 1027 00:49:54,513 --> 00:49:58,343 You got to have a thing. 1028 00:49:58,343 --> 00:49:59,779 It's like, "Homeless." 1029 00:49:59,779 --> 00:50:02,086 I'm like, "Yeah, but what's your hook?" 1030 00:50:02,086 --> 00:50:04,001 It makes you very cynical. 1031 00:50:04,001 --> 00:50:06,046 I feel like an "America's Got Talent" judge every time 1032 00:50:06,046 --> 00:50:07,874 I see a hobo. They come on. 1033 00:50:07,874 --> 00:50:10,137 They're like, "I'm homeless. I don't have any money." 1034 00:50:10,137 --> 00:50:12,531 I'm like, "Mm-hmm. And what will you be performing this evening?" 1035 00:50:16,100 --> 00:50:17,492 I'm not making fun of you. 1036 00:50:17,492 --> 00:50:19,146 I've been on "America's Got Talent." 1037 00:50:19,146 --> 00:50:20,626 I lost to a mime, so I'm not getting cocky up here. 1038 00:50:20,626 --> 00:50:22,323 Believe me. 1039 00:50:22,323 --> 00:50:25,022 And he was a good mime, but he was still a fucking mime. 1040 00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:26,327 It still hurts. 1041 00:50:26,327 --> 00:50:30,505 A very talented mime named Tape Face. 1042 00:50:30,505 --> 00:50:32,246 And you guessed it. 1043 00:50:32,246 --> 00:50:34,466 He had tape over his face, and my mom called me afterwards. 1044 00:50:34,466 --> 00:50:36,816 She was like, "You had our vote," 1045 00:50:36,816 --> 00:50:38,644 and I was like, "I figured." 1046 00:50:38,644 --> 00:50:39,993 That'd be pretty messed up if she was like, 1047 00:50:39,993 --> 00:50:41,516 "Look, you're our son, and we love you, 1048 00:50:41,516 --> 00:50:43,257 but Tape Face is the shit. 1049 00:50:43,257 --> 00:50:47,305 Man, he really spoke to us." 1050 00:50:47,305 --> 00:50:48,828 Sometimes I'll see a crazy person, 1051 00:50:48,828 --> 00:50:50,569 so I go to the next subway car to get away, 1052 00:50:50,569 --> 00:50:53,311 and I see an even crazier person on the next subway car, 1053 00:50:53,311 --> 00:50:55,835 and I'm like, "I think I left a religious freak 1054 00:50:55,835 --> 00:50:58,577 for a public masturbator. 1055 00:50:58,577 --> 00:51:00,970 Bad trade." 1056 00:51:00,970 --> 00:51:02,581 This guy was touching himself underneath his pants. 1057 00:51:02,581 --> 00:51:03,582 He's looking at my girlfriend at the time. 1058 00:51:03,582 --> 00:51:05,105 She turned to me. 1059 00:51:05,105 --> 00:51:06,585 She's like, "You're just gonna let him do that?" 1060 00:51:06,585 --> 00:51:08,978 I was like, "You want me to interrupt this guy? 1061 00:51:08,978 --> 00:51:12,547 I don't think blueballing this lunatic would be my solution." 1062 00:51:12,547 --> 00:51:14,375 She's like, "Maybe you should fight him." 1063 00:51:14,375 --> 00:51:17,074 I was like, "Yeah, I don't want to get hit with that hand. 1064 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:18,466 I could beat the shit out of him. 1065 00:51:18,466 --> 00:51:20,642 He touches me once, I lose the fight." 1066 00:51:20,642 --> 00:51:23,210 That's a difficult situation to be in. 1067 00:51:23,210 --> 00:51:25,038 She's like, "You're just gonna let him do that?" 1068 00:51:25,038 --> 00:51:26,170 She pushed me up. I had to get in his face. 1069 00:51:26,170 --> 00:51:27,780 I was like, "Excuse me, sir." 1070 00:51:27,780 --> 00:51:29,999 I don't know why I'm calling him sir. His dick is out. 1071 00:51:29,999 --> 00:51:31,697 It's like, "Sir, you got to stop touching yourself 1072 00:51:31,697 --> 00:51:33,090 like that to my girlfriend." 1073 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,656 He said, "I'm not touching myself like that 1074 00:51:34,656 --> 00:51:36,310 to your girlfriend. I was doing it to you." 1075 00:51:36,310 --> 00:51:38,878 I was like, "Uh, you're just gonna let him do that?" 1076 00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:50,716 You ever get so drunk that you pee on the street? 1077 00:51:50,716 --> 00:51:52,196 Yeah? 1078 00:51:52,196 --> 00:51:53,588 No, just me? All right. 1079 00:51:53,588 --> 00:51:56,591 I was peeing on the street the other night. 1080 00:51:56,591 --> 00:51:58,289 I was hammered, and this cop walked up to me. 1081 00:51:58,289 --> 00:52:00,639 He's like, "You are not seriously peeing on the street." 1082 00:52:00,639 --> 00:52:02,641 And I was like, "No, I'm doing it ironically," 1083 00:52:02,641 --> 00:52:06,471 and he handcuffed me while my dick was out, 1084 00:52:06,471 --> 00:52:09,343 which that makes it look like I committed a way worse crime. 1085 00:52:11,563 --> 00:52:13,608 This is the drunkest I've ever been. 1086 00:52:13,608 --> 00:52:18,874 You ever get so drunk that you lose all your friends? 1087 00:52:18,874 --> 00:52:20,441 I don't mean forever. 1088 00:52:20,441 --> 00:52:24,576 I mean, for the night, but it feels like that. 1089 00:52:26,317 --> 00:52:27,796 I was so drunk I was yelling at the coat check 1090 00:52:27,796 --> 00:52:30,625 to serve me a beer, and he was like, 1091 00:52:30,625 --> 00:52:32,323 "I only have jackets." 1092 00:52:32,323 --> 00:52:34,325 I'm like, "I feel like you're lying to me right now. 1093 00:52:34,325 --> 00:52:37,980 Just get me a Bud Light. Don't be a dick." 1094 00:52:37,980 --> 00:52:40,766 This happened...I was probably 19 when this happened. 1095 00:52:40,766 --> 00:52:42,289 I was in New Orleans. I was walking down the street. 1096 00:52:42,289 --> 00:52:43,986 I was very drunk. 1097 00:52:43,986 --> 00:52:45,249 This guy was like, "Do you want a hit of this blunt?" 1098 00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:47,903 And I said, "Yes, I do." 1099 00:52:47,903 --> 00:52:49,818 And the second I took a hit, these two cops slammed me 1100 00:52:49,818 --> 00:52:51,168 and these two strangers against the wall. 1101 00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:52,647 They handcuff the three of us. 1102 00:52:52,647 --> 00:52:53,779 This cop looks deep into my eyes. 1103 00:52:53,779 --> 00:52:55,346 He goes, "You seem very drunk." 1104 00:52:55,346 --> 00:52:58,566 And I look back, and then I go, "I'm fucked up." 1105 00:53:04,137 --> 00:53:06,008 He was like, "How much did you have?" 1106 00:53:06,008 --> 00:53:07,575 I was like, "A few too many." He's like, "How much is that?" 1107 00:53:07,575 --> 00:53:08,881 I was like, "You know too many?" He was like, "Yeah." 1108 00:53:08,881 --> 00:53:10,926 I was like, "A few more than that." 1109 00:53:10,926 --> 00:53:13,494 He didn't even crack a smile. 1110 00:53:13,494 --> 00:53:17,411 I'm not saying I'm Oscar Wilde, but I'm near blackout. 1111 00:53:17,411 --> 00:53:20,632 It was deserving of some response. 1112 00:53:20,632 --> 00:53:22,373 He's patting me down. He feels my back pocket. 1113 00:53:22,373 --> 00:53:24,113 To this day, I have a little notebook in my back pocket, 1114 00:53:24,113 --> 00:53:25,680 and he said, "What is it?" 1115 00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,683 I'm drunk, so I said, "That's my joke pad." 1116 00:53:28,683 --> 00:53:33,384 And he said "What the fuck is a joke pad?" 1117 00:53:33,384 --> 00:53:35,212 And I said, "I'm a stand-up comic." 1118 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:38,954 And the second it came out of my mouth, I was like, "No!" 1119 00:53:40,869 --> 00:53:41,957 He was like, "You're a comedian?" 1120 00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:43,307 I said, "Yeah." 1121 00:53:43,307 --> 00:53:45,396 He goes, "We'll see about that." 1122 00:53:45,396 --> 00:53:47,398 Takes the joke book out of my back pocket 1123 00:53:47,398 --> 00:53:49,356 and starts reading the jokes out loud, 1124 00:53:49,356 --> 00:53:51,315 and after every joke, his partner would go, 1125 00:53:51,315 --> 00:53:54,579 "Worst piece of shit I've ever heard." 1126 00:53:57,625 --> 00:53:59,323 The two guys handcuffed next to me 1127 00:53:59,323 --> 00:54:02,369 are now laughing hysterically. 1128 00:54:02,369 --> 00:54:03,892 They were supposed to be on my side. 1129 00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:06,852 They flipped, and it only went on 2 or 3 minutes, 1130 00:54:06,852 --> 00:54:08,767 but it felt longer. This guy has got no delivery. 1131 00:54:08,767 --> 00:54:10,508 He's kind of butchering what I do. 1132 00:54:12,988 --> 00:54:14,773 Finally they uncuff me. 1133 00:54:14,773 --> 00:54:16,383 They uncuff the other guys. 1134 00:54:16,383 --> 00:54:19,778 They keep my joke book, but they let us go, 1135 00:54:19,778 --> 00:54:21,345 and the second they drive away, one of the guys 1136 00:54:21,345 --> 00:54:22,563 I'm handcuffed with turns to me, 1137 00:54:22,563 --> 00:54:24,609 and he goes, "Holy shit, dude. 1138 00:54:24,609 --> 00:54:28,569 I had cocaine on me, 1139 00:54:28,569 --> 00:54:31,311 but they didn't search me because of your shitty jokes." 1140 00:54:31,311 --> 00:54:34,227 Thank you so much, guys. 1141 00:54:34,227 --> 00:54:36,751 [ Cheers and applause ] 1142 00:54:36,751 --> 00:54:46,239 ♪♪ 1143 00:54:46,239 --> 00:54:50,635 ♪♪ 1144 00:54:50,635 --> 00:54:54,726 Man: ♪ She looked me in the eye and said ♪ 1145 00:54:54,726 --> 00:55:01,602 Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end of the road ♪ 1146 00:55:01,602 --> 00:55:07,478 ♪♪ 1147 00:55:07,478 --> 00:55:11,395 So what'd you think of the show? 1148 00:55:11,395 --> 00:55:13,310 I prefer Lil Rel. 1149 00:55:17,662 --> 00:55:22,406 Man: ♪ What should I do if the end is so near ♪ 1150 00:55:22,406 --> 00:55:26,410 ♪ "Don't be alone," she said, "There's nothing to fear" ♪ 1151 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:31,110 ♪ We'll make new memories in a world built for two ♪ 1152 00:55:31,110 --> 00:55:40,162 ♪ And start all over with this rendezvous ♪ 1153 00:55:40,162 --> 00:55:44,471 ♪ Then she took me by the hand and sang ♪ 1154 00:55:44,471 --> 00:55:51,348 Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end of the road ♪